Many of you have seen or commented on a recent post here – Letting Go.., about one of Snoskred’s friends who has been battling with depression for a long time. Well, I am that friend. In fact, I have been battling it for longer than eight months. It’s only been in this time that we have been working on getting myself sorted out.
Up until now, it’s been a lot of going through the motions, ultimately leading me back to where I started. I’d even learned the “right” things to say to appease her and make it look like things were going well. Of course, that led to her having false hope in me, and ultimately to the point where I needed to be shocked into action. I needed a major wake-up call.
That call finally came on Tuesday, when a very bleak picture of my world was presented – one where I’d be on my own, with nobody caring about me and about turning my life around. It would be hell on earth for me. From there, I had two options – 1) wake up and start to act on making myself better, or 2) ignore it and go forth on my own, with no support. After we finished our discussion, I went for a walk and then posted about my commitment to change.
Included in that post was something that I hadn’t done before – make myself accountable for my actions. I also posted a comment on Craig Harper’s blog about my commitment to change. If you’re not reading his blog, you really should – it’s a great source of information about how to go about improving yourself.
After that, I then read the Letting Go post over here. I knew right away that it was about me, and essentially reinforced that I had to make the choice – shape up or ship out. It sounds harsh to think of it that way, but that is what it is. I’ve used up my chances, and now it’s time to prove myself. It’s making the small steps that lead to big things. It’s committing myself to doing the things that we had discussed all the way back in November – such as seeking out professional help. It’s about breaking the cycle of yes, ok, I’ll do that, wait a couple of months without doing anything, back into the hole.
As Snos said in her comment that she made today – this post was the catalyst. I’ve gone to see a doctor and have received an unofficial diagnosis of dysthymia – a mild form of depression – one that, without treatment, can last for a very long time. I received some samples of an antidepressant and start taking one a day from tomorrow. I was also told to get a consultation with a counselor to start with counseling appointments.
It’s definitely a start, but it’s a long road and I know that there will be ups and downs. I need to keep myself honest and that starts with myself. I mentioned yesterday the Post-It® notes that have begun to surround my monitor. One of them says “I will hold myself accountable for following my plans”. Part of that is posting a photo from when I go out to walk; it’s also keeping you all updated on my progress via my weekly updates. I’d really appreciate it if you all would help me out with the accountability – it doesn’t have to be constant, but the odd reminder will not hurt. :)
Lastly, this wouldn’t have happened if Snos didn’t care about me – she could have said “Fine, you’re on your own” and let me spiral. However, it is like she said in one of her comments – we are there for each other – it’s not always emotional support – most of the time it’s just to shoot the breeze and share what’s going on with our lives, or to solve a problem that one of us is having with a program or site. Thanks for letting me post this over here :)
I am posting this here, and also at Sephy’s Platzish, my blog.
Sephy
Sephy thank you for posting this here, and I am hopeful that this first step you’ve taken will be followed by many other steps. ;)
Snoskred
http://www.snoskred.org/
Thanks to you both. I will visit Sephy’s blog today.
I think I do the same thing. I’m an ox on a mill.
One of the reasons I started the blog was to see some progress. No progress is probably one of the reasons I have deleted my blog three times in 8 months.
Good on you, Sephy, for being willing to seek out the possibility of a medical solution. Sometimes our bodies don’t provide what we need, so we need chemical assistance. As one with a mood disorder for which I am medicated, I can’t begin to tell you what a relief it is to not be stuck in a dark place when it simply doesn’t have to be that way.
You will come through this.. Be gentle with yourself.. and know you are doing the best you can.. for right here, right now. :)
Best to you,
~Chani
Wow…thank you both for sharing this. Depression is so real.
i am so happy that you are ready to work on getting better. depression is so hard and scary. you have a good friend in sno. be well. . .
Sober Briquette – progress is not necessarily seen until you stand back and take a look at the big picture from a distance. Deleting the blogs makes it harder to see that progress – it’s like you write a book chapter by chapter but when you get to stand back and look at your work, there’s only the most recent chapter there because the rest has been eaten by bookworms. ;) If you leave it there long enough you will see it and often when you’re in the middle of it you’re not going to spot it anyway.
Just getting up in the morning and making it through each day was progress for me for a long time because it gave me faith in myself that I could keep doing it, I could take those little baby steps and slowly make them bigger steps. It’s not an easy place to be and you have to congratulate yourself heartily for each small accomplishment otherwise you’ll get discouraged.
When you’re down, pat yourself on the back separately for each single accomplishment – getting up out of bed, getting in the shower, doing what you have to do. Each small chore costs a great deal more when you’re depressed and it’s important to recognize that. Because the opposite of doing those things is climbing into bed, pulling the covers over your head, and waiting for the earth to swallow you up. That’s what we *want* to do. We need to really appreciate the fact that we’re NOT doing that.
Chani – So many people think it’s just them, it’s the way it is supposed to be.. but that’s not always true. Men are even worse at it than we women are – I’ll admit I have put off going to the doctor too but most guys have to have deep puncture wounds before they’ll let a doctor take a look at them.. :(
Just this year a man here in Australia was bitten by a snake. He didn’t feel too bad, so he thought he’d see a doctor tomorrow. Turns out it was a venomous snake and when tomorrow came he was dead. :(
So I am really glad Sephy was willing to step up and ask the doctor, too. :)
Catherine – I’m planning a bit more on this topic over the next week or so because it turns out a lot of people are suffering from this and it is making me remember things I went through. If I express it and get it out it might help not only me.
Christine – depression is one of the most difficult battles I have ever fought. It’s not till you get to the other side of it that you see just how deep that yawning chasm was.
Thanks for the comments everyone, this is a really important topic. :)
Snoskred
http://www.snoskred.org/
Hi Sephy.
What you have written is really important to yourself but to others aswell.
I lived with someone who was in a constant cycle of depression. Altho it was attached to some kind of gender dysphoria, as the partner of someone who lived that life with them, it was a constant battle with my own demons not to fall down the same pit that I watched my Ex enter into, month in and month out.
He made promises about counselling he never kept, when he hit his highs, they were high, and his lows were the worst. Finally I had enough and needed to leave for my own mental health.
You are taking steps that he still hasn’t taken, you have recognised your battle and are arming yourself. This is to be commended.
Lori
Thanks for posting an update. I replied to your letting it go post on your blog a couple of days ago. I’m glad you’ve talked with your doctor and decided on a plan.
Here’s to you feeling better soon!
Lori – you raise an important point – that the partners of people suffering depression have a hard road, too.
Gerri – I’m glad Sephy has got a game plan – and intends to follow it now, too! ;)