I think I thought I saw you try..


When I go to sleep at night, the road back from from the place I want to live flashes before me. Big tall trees on either side of the road but it’s like I’m flying so fast, they all blur. And my fear is, something’s gonna jump out in front of me and I’ll hit it. The faster I go, the more things I see threatening to jump out. I know I have to keep going. Moving forward.

I am not a perfect person. I am many things, and germophobe is one of them. You know those people who can’t go out of their house because they’re scared of germs? I’m not there yet, but I can see there from here. Germophobia is different for different people.

For me, I have trouble with –

– door handles
– sponges, teatowels, tablecloths
– food preparation – things have to be clean, clean chopping boards, clean knives, clean utensils
– needing to have clean hands
– people sneezing in my presence
– germ overload when I touch too many dirty things I begin to freak out
– getting to a place where I throw my hands in the air and say “I can’t deal with this” (such a place might be called germ overload)

I am in the process of making positive changes in many areas in my life, and today I have taken a big step towards a goal I set myself recently, which is having a cleaner house. You see for me, it is easier to live with dusty surfaces than to clean them. Cleaning becomes a big deal because if I am going to do it, I want to do it 100% all the time but I don’t have the energy to do this. An Olympic athlete does not have the energy to make things as clean as I would like them.

I have recently decided this all or nothing approach is a really bad idea. ;) Spending 8 hours cleaning one bathroom is really not for me and in the past, it has been easier for me to just throw my hands in the air and say “I can’t face cleaning it” than to do a “lesser” job.

Carl Jung said – “We cannot change anything unless we accept it.”

I accept that I have a problem with cleaning. I accept that I am a germophobe. I accept that it is better for things to be somewhat clean than absolutely spotless or very unclean.

The serenity prayer says “grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”.

I cannot magically snap my fingers and make myself a non-germophobe. I have to take baby steps towards making things better, and I have the courage and will to do this. I can create positive change. I cannot solve all the problems in the world, but this I can work on.

So recently I accepted that wiping things down with an anti-bacterial cloth once a week was a good idea and a positive change that I could make that would help me get to a place where I wasn’t throwing my hands in the air, unable to act. Over the past couple of weeks I have spent some time cleaning things obsessively.

3 days to do my bookshelves, come on you guys, that is NOT normal, it is not like I have an entire library here, there’s two book shelves with a total of 24 alcoves in them. Not only did I clean the shelves, I cleaned each book, each ornament on the shelves, all the picture frames, anything nearby. Obsessively. They are now spotless, and this means I can just wipe the shelves over, wipe the books which are getting dusty. If I do that once a week, I’ll feel a lot better.

Today I tackled the difficult subject of the bathrooms. I have been putting it off. The other day the other half said to me that he had no idea how someone who claimed to be a germophobe could live with such a bathroom situation. They were filthy. I said this germophobe could not live with having to clean these bathrooms. Whoever designed them is a real idiot. There are many spots for germs to hide. To clean the vanity tops usually takes me 2 hours alone and it is backbreaking because of the height of the darned things. They were designed for very short people.

That’s not even getting into cleaning the toilets. There’s not enough anti-bacterial hand wash in the world for me to cope with that. So I’d rather put it off, and put it off, and keep putting it off until I can’t take anymore.

When one does put in the hard yards and does the work, one feels a real sense of accomplishment. Now, I intend a quick wipe over once a week, and then I won’t have to do this evil backbreaking hours of work chore because it won’t get that bad. The trouble is having stuff on top of the vanity means you have to move all that stuff when you want to clean it. That’s what was stopping me from cleaning the bookshelves for so long. Too much stuff in the way which I’d have to move, and clean. I’m thinking a box with a lid would be a lot easier.

I just went into the bathroom before to wash my hands, and took great pleasure in the clean surfaces. I have to remember that when I start to think I can’t reach this goal. I can reach it. I know I can. And who put can’t in my vocabulary? I don’t like that word. Will not, sure. May not, fine. Do not, okie dokie. Can not – it has to be one of the previous three.

I’m so tired. I’ve been up since 7:30am and most of the afternoon was spent in a cleaning frenzy. I’m going to sleep for hours. ;) Tomorrow it’s weekly wrap up time.

germophobe, life lessons, music

Kaos with a Kapital K.

So I figured yesterday I would do a little cleaning of my bookshelves, because it’s been a while and I wanted to add all my books to librarything. Being the germophobe that I am, a cleaning task which seems simple to most can turn into absolute Kaos without me even noticing, but at least there has been some order in how I’ve been doing it.

I bring each shelf full of books over to my desk. I catalog them in library thing. I then wipe the books over with paper towel which has a little anti-bacterial spray on it, taking off any dust which has settled there. I then put the clean books to one side and go and clean a shelf for them to go back to. Then, I put the books away.

There’s no point trying to have a logical order to my bookshelves, this I have learned over the years. I’ve tried various ideas, grouping by author is probably the most organized things will get here. Even that isn’t 100% because some of the books are too large to fit together, so I have little pods with the larger books.

I still have a lot of work to do but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now. The room is starting to feel a lot cleaner to me. Here’s the bit I’ve finished, sort of. Click the image below for a larger image –

books (1)

Check out my librarything author cloud – it shows who I have the most books of by size of text, which is kind of cool. I’ve doubled the amount of my books on there over the last 24 hours – going from 110 to 220 books.

But before you go all crazy and start your own library thing, I got up to 200 books then found I had to pay if I wanted to add more. I did pay $19US for a lifetime membership, because having worked in insurance I know the value in having these kinds of things listed in a location other than your own home, and because I like the easy way librarything works and how it shows the covers of books, and yes, partly because I was in the middle of the job and I wanted to finish it, and I was a bit annoyed about it but when I checked the home page it did state it clearly on there. I probably didn’t spot it.. If only I could find something for DVD’s that was as good.

I have to do The Other Half’s books next. He doesn’t have as many as me, though. It’ll still take me most of today, I’m thinking. I’m in night mode at the moment, sleeping during the day. Today I made a huge error in picking up the Gene Kranz “Failure Is Not An Option” book when I finally crashed into bed around 10am – it grabbed me and I read solidly for 2.5 hours, getting up to the point where they landed on the moon. Wow. The amount of work that went into doing that – this is the first book I’ve read that really gives you an idea of that. Which is why I imagine those guys must be really upset by the “they never landed on the moon” conspiracy theories. Imagine having your life’s work questioned in that way?

I’ll be back a little later with two posts, one about the little cards I have on my desk, and the weekly wrap up.

germophobe

Just in case something happens..

This post is sure to seem odd. I don’t usually post about my health and a vast array of other inappropriate subjects. For the last three weeks I have had some kind of evil flu which does not seem to go away. Whenever I get the flu I am reminded of the one time I got pneumonia in 2003 right before Christmas – summer, in Australia, hello? But I went to the dentist with wet hair, and my dentist was in Glenelg, and the day I went it seemed like there was a breeze right from the Arctic blowing up the middle of Jetty Rd.

A few days later I could hardly breathe and I honestly thought I was going to die. Plus, back then I was a smoker and I couldn’t smoke, so not only did I feel terrible but I was the crankiest person anywhere ever. I remember begging the other half to get me Garlic Prawns from Marcellinas in the middle of the night – and so worried about me was he that he actually did it. I believe that was about 4am. Marcellinas was open till 5am.. ;) and the garlic prawns were spectacular.

I could not sleep lying down. We had a waterbed (still do) and I could not sleep there – I felt like I was drowning whenever I lay down. I made a makeshift kind of bed on the sofa bed which involved a lot of pillows and spare matresses so I could be sitting up when I was lying down. Days disappeared while I hovered in some kind of delirious state. I remember nothing of it.

When I did eventually wake up, I was craving a cigarette. I went out into the backyard and I tried to smoke, but I could not. That was when I gave up smoking for good.

In the middle of the night last night I woke up and I thought – what if something happens to me? Will they know what to do with me when I am gone? I don’t want to be buried and decompose. I don’t think I would like that. On the other hand, I really don’t like the idea of cremation – what if I am actually still alive but in some kind of death like state?

However all us ladies are prepared to sacrifice comfort for fashion and I am no exception to the rule. I would like to be cremated and turned into a diamond. Impossible, no? No, it is actually possible. It’s called Lifegem. And though I thought I must have mentioned this before a search of my blog shows that I have not. It amazes me because this is like fundamental to the core of me now, this is what I have decided I want done after a long struggle of not knowing what I want done, and I have not even mentioned it to you guys?

Well, what I really wanted was to be cremated and put on the mantelpiece but the other half refuses. He thinks it would be spooky, and he says we don’t have a mantelpiece. He is right, we don’t. However, would it be so difficult to create one just for me? He also thinks I will live longer than he will. Over my dead body. I refuse to be the last one standing.

Anyway, I’ve had a nasty flu, and I have said nothing about it because I don’t want to bore people with that shiznit and I wouldn’t have said anything but it explains why out of the middle of nowhere I am talking about what to do with my remains. So now you know, and there you go..

And Adelaide people, I miss Barnacle Bills. Seriously, you don’t know how good you have it. Go get a two in one snack pack and eat it for me, will you?

adelaide, death, growing up, health

A delicate area

How does one tell one’s mother that her cooking is making one ill?

I’ve mentioned before that I am a germophobe, you know this. My mother is *not*. My mother never did year 12 catering at school, where they take a black light and show you how many germs are on your hands, then they tell you to go and wash them, then they show you again with the blacklight and you can see the spots you missed. My mother has no care whether chopping boards are clean, whether things are kept properly in the fridge, and my God, the woman uses tea towels instead of paper towels to wipe her hands. I must be adopted or something.

I ate there Friday evening, and was so ill for the next 24 hours, I do not even want to go into the details. Unfortunately this is not the first time this has occurred. Suffice it to say that the experience has me thinking I have to say something, or else avoid eating there all together. She will be very offended, this I know. She gets pissy at me enough about my germophobia, she says “Well you survived it for the first 20 years of your life”. I don’t like to mention that one of the ways I survived it was sneaking out to the kitchen in the middle of the night and madly cleaning everything I could find.

family, germophobe

wooooooooooooooooooo

painting

should have remembered to open window before sealing painting.. now I know why teenage boys sniff glue.. wooooooooooooo I’s high.. yet on the bottle it says this stuff is non-toxic? Maybe if you’re eating it, but if you’re smelling it I think it might be a different matter.. I painted four different highlighting stripes – gold, antique copper, the two mixed together, and bronze. If you click on the picture you’ll see a bigger version, and also one of my cats sneaking into the pic.. she’s acting odd today, all sooky.

Went down the main street earlier with the parents to collect the lobster and prawns for lunch/dinner tomorrow. Also we are going to have roast pork which we won in a meat raffle and froze some weeks ago now. Saw many interstate numberplates which was scary. Considering locking doors and staying inside for at least the next month given they will all be holidaying around here.

I hope kitties are not getting high. They are sitting on the sill of the open window and the smell is somewhat strong there.

Next paintings are going to be more not straight lines, like just stripes that don’t really care where their edges are. I want to do a black background and flower painting too. I found a red cow painting in a magazine, which I liked but do not think I have the talent to recreate. :(

drugs, Snoskred Art

I wonder..

Is it not known all over the world that smuggling drugs into or out of particular countries in Asia will get you a death penalty?

Because it struck me while I was watching a show on the crime channel here about some poor woman who “accidentally” swallowed a few packets of heroin and then was surprised when she was arrested and narrowly escaped the death penalty somehow, that maybe I should actually be feeling sorry for these people like I feel sorry for the victims of scams?

The reason people fall for scams is a lack of education, I believe. I don’t think anyone could swallow packets of heroin without knowing that this isn’t a good idea, but maybe they just weren’t educated, maybe they didn’t know any better, maybe they didn’t check the situation out before they acted. Or not. I have known drug smuggling would result in the death penalty since Bangkok Hilton was on here, many years ago, with Nicole Kidman. Maybe that wasn’t played in other countries around the world.

I’ve been watching a fair bit of the crime channel lately. They have episodes of Cops on there, which I enjoy, and they now have a new show about the cops in New Zealand, which is actually hilarious – those Kiwi Police have an incredible sense of humour.

drugs, life lessons, what not to do

I’m still alive!

Jaws did not eat me, and while I saw jellyfish washed up on the beach, if they stung me I didn’t know it. The water was pretty wavy today, so we didn’t stay too long at the beach we went to yesterday, it was impossible to snorkel there, too evil. So we went to this other place all the surf shop people told us about called Stony Creek, its a freshwater creek that meets the sea, and we were the only ones there, and it was fantastic. I saw fish in the water! That was so much fun, I wanna do it again.

I have now been fully underwater in the sea, which is something I have *never* done before. I just have always been terrified of it.

So now we’re planning a trip on Monday/Tuesday next week, to Narooma and Mystery Bay. I couldn’t find many decent pics of it on the net, so I’ll have to take them myself.. ;)

fears, snorkelling

Combat strategies

So first let’s remember that I’m not a doctor or a shrink or anything like that. But this is what I have learnt during my fight with the dark side. Because I’m in Australia, I know about stuff that is available here. If you are in another country and you can point people to the right places to get help, please leave info in the comments.

Here are my steps that I have always taken.

I See My Doctor.

Diabetics need insulin – and some depressed people need anti-depressants. You need to see a doctor who will decide if medication is what you require, that’s the very first step. You can fight this without the drugs, but it will be a lot harder. And nobody would tell a diabetic – oh don’t worry, you don’t really need insulin, just push yourself a bit harder, you’ll survive.

The chemicals in your brain are out of whack, and no amount of pushing, hoping, or begging is going to fix that. It is ok to take the drugs your doctor prescribes.

We Create A Mental Health Plan

While you are seeing your doctor, mention that you would like to create a mental health plan. Doing this gives you the ability to have 10 free sessions with a psychologist. I have done this a few times and it has made all the difference for me.

I Seek Help

I usually see the psychologist I have been referred to via the mental health plan. But you do have other options.

There’s a lot of help available out there, but you might not know where to look. That’s ok.

If you’re in Australia, Lifeline does know where to look. It’s ok to call them and ask for help. In fact it is ok to call them and talk, that is what they are there for.

Check out beyondblue. They even have forums where you can connect with other people and see that you are not alone.

If you are overseas, I don’t know where to send you but shoot me an email with your location and I’ll see what I can find. :)

What kind of help do you need? Well there’s plenty of options. Sometimes you just need to vent, to talk it out. I found it helpful to talk to someone. There’s free telephone counselling 24/7 with Lifeline, but they can also refer you to go and see someone face to face, either free or low cost. I personally find it is really useful to do that.

So now we’ve covered seeing a doctor, which is going to get you on the way out of that dark hole, we’ve talked about creating a mental health plan, and we’ve covered other possibilities as far as talking to someone. It is so useful to admit you are in the dark hole and talk about what it is like in there, and strategies to get yourself out of there.

But what next?

Now, you have to put in a little effort towards your own recovery. The two things above won’t magically fix it on their own. So what can you do? Lots of things, but here’s the stuff that worked for me.

Get out of the house.

Walk for 20 minutes a day. If you can’t do this daily, then walk for at least an hour a week but get yourself to a beautiful location to do it.

We used to go to the Botanic Gardens, which were right next to the zoo. One day when we were driving past we noticed that members get into the zoo for free. So when I found out membership was so cheap it was less than a can of coke a week, we became members, and we would go to the zoo for our walks, often spending an afternoon or a morning just wandering about.

Volunteer.

One of the biggest problems with depression is that you want to curl up into a little ball and not look outward at all. This means you have plenty of time to focus on the negative thoughts and how you’re feeling. So instead of doing that, sign yourself up, make a commitment to some kind of volunteer activity. Make it something you want to do.

If you want to work with animals, why not look at wires or nana or the RSPCA? If you want to work with people, there’s a million options, check out this site.

I did many different types of volunteering. I painted houses, which was a lot of fun. I went through the Lifeline course and worked on the phones there, which really taught me a lot and it was something I had always wanted to do. I volunteered at the zoo, tour guiding and doing watches on the animals. I’m choosing between three different options right now but I have to find some kind of volunteer work to do here soon.

Make lists.

Lists of things you need to do, lists of things you want to do, lists of things as simple as daily chores. There is nothing more satisfying than crossing things OFF the list when you have done them.

There was a time when I could not get out of bed, so the one thing on my list was to manage that, every day. There were some days I just could not do it, and I had to give myself permission to be ok with that, too. So I worked out that it was a good idea to pick one day a week where I did not have to do it, where I allowed myself to stay in bed if I really wanted to. And I found, once I gave myself permission to do that, it was not really something I wanted to do – I found I wanted to get up and do things.

Paint. Write. Knit. Sew. Create.

Reward yourself for doing the stuff you don’t want to do by doing stuff you do want to do. I painted things. I did ceramics (not cheap but I loved it). I learnt to play the keyboard. I scam-baited. I still do these things now.

Listen to music.

I think this one is really important, and I know myself well enough now to note when I stop listening to music, it’s one warning sign that I’m headed for that black hole. It’s also a good idea to replace the negative thoughts in your head with song lyrics, I found.

Those Were My Combat Strategies

So that’s just a few of the things I did to drag myself out of that hole. They could work for you, if you’re down. Give them a try.. ;)

About Snoskred, depression, life lessons, moving forward

The bad news..

I’m writing this using Internet Explorer as blogger seems to work fine with it, and the issue they are having at the moment happens only in Firefox. Apparently. Well let’s hope they get it fixed soon because using IE makes me want to mutilate squirrels. And I like squirrels a lot. So I guess it’s lucky I’m in Australia where we don’t have any.

I’m really glad to see Meva is back to blogging, she vanished for a short time. This means I am finally going to post something I’ve been thinking about posting for a while now. I’m hoping that people aren’t just going to run away and stop reading this blog if I admit this. It’s not exactly cheerful reading, and this is not a trip down memory lane that I am looking forward to, but I think it has to be done.

Some years ago, I was very depressed. So much so that I could not get out of bed, most of the time. It all started when my car got broken into. I had worked for a company that sold car sound, and I had installed $7,000 worth of car audio into my car – myself.

It had a great alarm, and the people who broke into it laid under the car for over an hour with a rag stuffed into the siren while the backup battery ran down. I was furious. I wanted to kill the people who did it, but I didn’t know who they were. I was so angry, I can’t even describe it.

They were helped by the fact that my husband (yes I was married) had chosen for us to live in a house with a driveway from hell that I could not drive my car up or down, it had brick walls on both side, and it was at approximately a 45 degree angle.

Some months before he had decided to buy it – without consulting me. He told me we were buying it. I wanted to look at other houses, he refused to consider it. The house belonged to his Dad, and his Dad wanted to get rid of it. I suppose that was when I realised that I’d made a huge mistake, and this marriage thing was not the best of ideas.

So then one night soon after the car break in I went to fill up the ice cube tray, and the tap fell off the wall into my hand. Water was gushing out of the wall, I was absolutely saturated. Husband ran in and was screaming at me to go and turn off the water, I had no idea how to do that, so I said he would have to do it. He goes out, turns it off, returns, and by this time I am laughing – well, you have to, right? :)

I was completely soaking wet, and he was furious – that I was laughing, that the tap fell off the wall, and he starts yelling at me. I said “I’m not the one who decided to buy this house” and out of nowhere he just slapped me. I grabbed my car keys and left, not even stopping to get shoes. I did not go back.

That was my first run in with the black hole of depression, it certainly was not my last. There was a time in the early 2000’s when I spent over a year in there.. Everyone who has been there has a different way of describing it. To me it was like a big black hole I’d fallen into and I had no idea how to get out.

I might sometimes seem like I’m functioning well and everything is fine, but I know I am always close to the edge of that dark hole, and if I don’t work hard to keep myself out of it, I can end up back there. Seeing as it’s so hard to get out, I’ve worked out strategies over time which help me keep out of there. I’m going to share some of those with you guys over the next few weeks because I recognise they may be helpful to other people, too.

Normal people who have never been depressed will not understand the effort required to do just simple every day tasks when you’re down. Just to get up out of bed and have a shower seems like something impossible. The effort involved, to me it always seemed like someone had tied weights to my arms and legs, and it was difficult to move them. Probably most people who have been down will understand that.

So don’t think this post is looking for sympathy or anything like that, I’m not. Right now I feel like I’m flying. Things are going pretty well, except for the fact I have no job and no desire to get one, but it’s ok, we’re coping, I don’t really need to get one until I feel like it.

I just want people to know that I’ve been there, too.

I think most people end up there sometime. It’s ok to admit it, and it’s ok to ask for help – and get help. There’s plenty of it out there, if you look in the right places. :)

About Snoskred, depression, domestic violence